Cold cure
by Tommy B 101
Summary: Arthur Weasley has a headcold and decides to solve it the 'Muggle' way. One shot.


cold cure by tom blindross Summary: arthur has a very odd solution to a headcold.  
Story Notes:  
disclaimer: I don't own hp , jk does.  
cold cure by tom blindross body {background-color: #FFFF88; font-family: arial;} img {border: none;} Cold Cure.

Arthur Weasley, head of cursed muggle artifacts, was sick. He had a persistent cold which made him sound like a Hungarian Horntail whenever he tried to draw in a breath through his nose. He would have downed the potion that Molly had offered to brew for him but, instead, he had another idea. Arthur's notorious obsession for muggle objects was the subject of many rows within the family, and he idly wondered how muggles cured their colds. Figuring that this sudden cold wasn't a life-threatening illness, he decided to see if he could deal with it the muggle way.

Because of Arthur's cold, it was inadvisable for a wizard in his present condition to disapparate lest he splinch one of his nostrils. He was all for travelling on the muggle Underground again - just as he had done when he'd escorted Harry to his Court hearing at the Ministry. So it was with great excitement and anticipation that Arthur left his office, leaving a note to his partner, Perkins, as to his where-abouts and went off to seek muggle treatment.

Blowing his nose on a tissue, Arthur stepped off the train along with other anxious commuters. He strode out of the tube station, dumping the soiled tissue in a muggle trash can as he went by. To his surprise, the tissue wasn't gobbled up! Fascinated, he was about to approach the wastebin when his nose started to itch again. Muttering bitterly under his breath, his robes swirled about him as he spun around to face towards his destination, conveniently ignoring the strange looks he was attracting from his muggle counterparts.

The streets were alive with muggle cars, and Arthur observed how the borots cycled through red, amber and green colors like a wand with an engorgement charm place on it. A frantic pleaseman gave Arthur a cold glare when he crossed the road whilst the borot was showing green. As he passed, Arthur could see the bulge of the pleaseman's fireleg. Quickening his pace lest he anger the muggle, he eventually spotted a sign proclaiming the swiftly approaching establishment to be a chemist. Chemist as in alchemist? mused Arthur. The image of Nicolas Flamel rose in his mind, and he decided to go have a look see.

Striding inside, he looked around. The only person he couls see in the chemist was sitting behind the counter, reading a pamphlet by over-hanging eckleectric light. Figuring that he was alone, he walked up and down the aisles, scanning the shelves. Potions were in labelled vials, presumably explaining what they did. Arthur then spotted a box of tissues but he skipped past that. Tissues were helpful, he thought, but he needed something that had a longer-lasting effect.

It was only when Arthur walked down the aisle with a sign above it that said "FEMALE PRODUCTS" that he struck gold. Undeterred by the sign, he spotted a vial containing what looked like cylindrical cotton capsules wrapped up in plastic. He looked at the vial speculatively. If he took the plastic off and shoved the odd thing up his nose, the cotton would absorb the mucous. Grinning victoriously, he plucked the vial off the shelf and strode confidently back through the aisles towards the woman behind the counter.

"For the wife?" she asked him in a friendly tone.

Arthur was stumped for a second. Thinking that this was the way muggles jested, he took it with a smile.

"Well, that too," he replied, "for the flu she gets every two months or so."

The muggle woman stared at him oddly for a moment, but shrugged and took the 50-pound note that he offered up to her, and for some strange reason, tutted as she took it from him. She then gave him his vial in a paper bag along with a fistful of change and he thanked her politely before walking out to join his fellow passers-by.

Deciding to try out his new helpful tool, he immediately took the vial out of the bag, which he again dropped onto the pavement. He opened the vial and extracted one of the capsules. He figured it might get uncomfortable after a while, but he could always simply renew them. Unwrapping the cotton noseblocker, he then shoved it up his left nostril. He repeated the process with the right nostril, dropping the plastic coatings to the ground. With the capsules stuffed up his conk, he skipped merrily back down the road and to the Underground. Oblivious to the odd stares he was still attracting, he walked in through the entrance gate, already feeling the noseblockers engorging. He passed through the ticket barrier after giving the muggle a twenty-pound note which, again for some strange reason, caused the muggle to look disgusted at the note and tut-tut. Putting the thought behind him, Arthur walked out onto the platform and happened to spot a baby pick its nose and rub what he'd extracted in his slightly-older sister's hair. He laughed, recalling Ginny doing something similar to one of the twins. This laughter prompted a sneeze, and Arthur began to panic.

He tried to hold it back but he couldn't. The capsule, slightly inflated by the mucous, flew out of his left nostril and landed in the mouth of a muggle who had been gaping at Arthur as soon as he'd beheld him walking on to the platform. The man felt gorge rise in his throat but couldn't prevent what came next, and he projectile-vomited spectacularly, sending the now even more-inflated capsule whizzing through the air. A woman with a low-cut neckline caught it full force in the chest. The slimy present wormed its messy way down her dress, and she began to jump from foot to foot as if standing on hot coals. Then she felt the thing lodge somewhere near her navel, and, desperately, she yanked her dress upwards, tearing it at the same time to offer the nearby male commuters an impressive view of her vomit-coated breasts. Undeterred by this, the capsule slipped down her belly and into her skirt, by-passing the outside waistband and slipping under the waistband of her G-string. Really panicking now, she yanked up the hem of her dress and skirt and let the capsule fall to the floor. In that brief moment with her skirt and dress hiked up, Arthur saw the woman's G-string perched contentedly on the tip of an identical-looking capsule, clamped in the muggle's wand sheath. Arthur fainted dead away.

Twenty minutes later, a medic crouched over him, trying to revive Arthur by holding a vial of smelling salts under his, by now, badly-deformed nose. He awoke with a start, shuddered, and felt another sneeze coming on. He reared his head back, then let loose with the most explosive sneeze in muggle and wizarding history. The capsule exploded out of his right nostril, hitting the medic in the eye. Arthur felt even more panicked. Shit, not again, he worried, getting to his feet to call for help for the recently-downed medic. Willing hands from nearby muggles reached down and helped the injured medic to his feet and they helped him to stagger away. As the train finally pulled into the station, a voice beside him spoke up.

"Sir, why did you have a tampon up your nose?"

A/N: This will be a series of on-going oneshots that I'll post whenever I get the inspiration to write stupid oneshots like this. Hope it was funny though. Please review to tell me how shitty it was.

Tom. 


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